Beautiful serenity reigned in the air. Besides the tall pines gently swaying up above perfectly cut green lawns, everything seemed to be still, peaceful, and orderly, except for the winds inside of me. The ceremony was over and the bride and groom were happily mingling at the cocktail hour, but my head was full of regrets and I should of, could of, would of . . . but I didn’t. The first look happened where the groom happened to be standing and not under the beautiful canopy of pines where I envisioned it. After only a quick portrait time, bride and groom went to join their guests, and all the beautiful places I was hoping to take them to got quickly crossed off. A few of the family members happened to be standing in the sun while the rest were in the shade during family portraits, and I was just too afraid to inconvenience them and to ask them to move. I felt like the day was slipping through my hands like ice without me being a bit in control of it. I watched it from the side and picked up my camera when I was asked, and not when I saw the right moment and that perfect light. Why couldn’t I just ask? Why was it so hard to direct and tell others what to do?
This was my experience at a wedding not more than two years ago when I officially launched my business. That night I drove home wishing I could’ve done better and more. But more so, wishing I was cut for the job, with natural ability to lead, to direct, to overcome my fears, and to be IN CONTROL! I’ve been practicing for years to get good with photos, I had a few amazing clients eager for me to shoot their weddings, but I was wondering if I’m the type of person to handle the job. I grew up believing that you are who you are, and once again I was faced with the dilemma of being verses becoming. I was never part of ASB what to speak of a any kind of leader in high school or college, shied away from meeting people, and ALWAYS followed. How could I all the sudden be a social butterfly at a wedding of someone I’ve only met once and don’t know a single soul? I can’t give you a step by step process of how it happened, but today I am so much closer to what I need and want to be, to do my job successfully and am an avid believer in becoming rather than being. I still make mistakes, catch myself observing, and frequently have to push myself to go ask, to take reigns, and to stand up for my decisions, but it’s getting much easier. Why should your set of skills, your background or personality stop you from living a dream, taking up an amazing job, or pursuing your passion . . . it never should. No one promises that the process of becoming will be easy, but it’s possible. This simple concept changed so many things for me and I hope it will inspire you as well.
And because posts are much more sweeter with a photo, here are two my friend Monika took of me at Caitlin and Peter’s wedding. Happy Tuesday, Yuliya